I just had to renew my passport, and for the first time in over 30 years, I wrote "Writer/Editor" instead of "Professor." Like you, I always felt on the outskirts of academia for the very reasons you've named here as well as the status hierarchy of institution types (R1, Graduate-Degree-Granting, Undergraduate-Degree-Granting, Technical and Community Colleges--which is where I landed). Despite that now that August is approaching, I can feel my body starting to mobilize for the new semester, which I won't be teaching, I'm finding that not "being" an academic is actually, really, truly okay.
What Monica says! And I so feel you about the comfort on the other side, and the bodily memories that track with the seasons. It's such a huge and scary-at-first transition, to be sure, but it's such a relief once things settle! I haven't once looked back.
I think the loss of academic identity was rough in large part because the enmeshment started in childhood. Both my parents, and most of my friends' parents, are in some area of the ivory tower. I did all the "right things" to be an academic: undergrad research, Fulbright, grad assistantship, area of research that was in need at the time, tenure-track position. Once I got there I realized I didn't want to be there but also didn't know anything else.
More grad school later, I pivoted to marriage and family therapy. It's been a great, sustainable fit where I still get to constantly learn, teach, and figure out how to use my learning for good.
That said, I say I "work in healthcare" because it seems to make people uncomfortable or lead into awkward conversations when I say what I do.
Wow, that is definitely another huge layer for potential enmeshment! It's like you left the family business! Extra kudos to you for navigating your way out; I love how you describe the ways you are still using and growing your skills and expertise.
And, gosh, I don't blame you for your evasion in those kinds of interactions! So many folks out there must cover or demur, and for so many different reasons!
I have a weird path into academia, and I was 36 with 3 children and a very supportive husband when I started it and it ended a month ago. All the ways you listed to be othered and “not good enough” from being too old, to being a woman, to being denigrated by male colleagues because I couldn’t possibly be any good….
The only way to survive grad school and tenure track was to be thoroughly enmeshed with the job.
I was hired at a campus about 4 hours from the main campus of the institution — which is currently undergoing fuckery similar to what you experienced. It’s an R1, but my campus is a PUI, so clearly none of us have the stature of main campus faculty. No startup money at all, but similar expectations for research and publications as faculty hired with $1m startup and grad assistants and labs and a research infrastructure and a reduced teaching load. I did it. I’m proud of it, but it’s never been good enough.
Why the anxiety? I started distancing myself from my job about 6 years ago. I’ve been retired for a month, after being given 2 weeks notice about my last day. I don’t know what I’ll say about who I am or what I do other than to say I’m retired. I taught biology. I have a PhD in neuroscience. I have publications and awards, but at the end of the day who cares? I’m still working to clean out my office and lab and throwing away 30 years of work that I used to enjoy doing. I guess I’ve gone from total enmeshment to free fall.
Oof. I was SO angry when I finally cleaned out my office, even though it was (thankfully) my own choice to leave, and even though my unpaid leave I was granted when I was making my way out had given me an extra year "to be sure." It's a good thing I went in on a summer Sunday or people would have heard me throwing things and cursing.
And I'm going to be thinking about "enmeshment as survival" all day now! Thank you for sharing your journey. I'm rooting for you and trusting what you'll find at the end of your free fall.
I wonder too if there is some seasonal anxiety with all of the "back to school" everywhere. I'm hearing too that you've answered part of the "who I am" question here: you're a spouse (no small feat when in academia) and a parent of three--also a big deal in a culture that doesn't seem to value parenting either. I hope that you find your "good enough" in retirement too.
Part of the reason I disengaged is because my husband died in home hospice 6 years ago and I had no fucks left for a stupid job and male colleagues who could not pick up the slack at work while I cared for my husband.
I’ve heard other retired academics talk about feeling like they need to get ready for classes every August. I’m not feeling it, which is great. Also, the university offered a one year salary to full time people who wanted to leave by June 28th and all of the student-facing support staff (think Registrar, Bursar, Financial Aid and Advising) took the deal. I cannot imagine what kind of shit storm is going to unfold when classes start in 3 weeks.
I also feel on the “outskirts” of academia, in that I don’t really see my job teaching at a community college as being a traditionally “academic” job. I am a teacher. I do not, however, feel on the outskirts at/in my workplace. When I am asked what I do, I say I teach sociology, because that is the most honest answer, (since the question is focused on what I do and not what my title is) which allows me to avoid any potential status contests.
I’m 💯 with you in ensuring our identity buckets are filled via multiple avenues! Yay for granny hobbies!
I just had to renew my passport, and for the first time in over 30 years, I wrote "Writer/Editor" instead of "Professor." Like you, I always felt on the outskirts of academia for the very reasons you've named here as well as the status hierarchy of institution types (R1, Graduate-Degree-Granting, Undergraduate-Degree-Granting, Technical and Community Colleges--which is where I landed). Despite that now that August is approaching, I can feel my body starting to mobilize for the new semester, which I won't be teaching, I'm finding that not "being" an academic is actually, really, truly okay.
Cheers to being a writer/editor!
What Monica says! And I so feel you about the comfort on the other side, and the bodily memories that track with the seasons. It's such a huge and scary-at-first transition, to be sure, but it's such a relief once things settle! I haven't once looked back.
I think the loss of academic identity was rough in large part because the enmeshment started in childhood. Both my parents, and most of my friends' parents, are in some area of the ivory tower. I did all the "right things" to be an academic: undergrad research, Fulbright, grad assistantship, area of research that was in need at the time, tenure-track position. Once I got there I realized I didn't want to be there but also didn't know anything else.
More grad school later, I pivoted to marriage and family therapy. It's been a great, sustainable fit where I still get to constantly learn, teach, and figure out how to use my learning for good.
That said, I say I "work in healthcare" because it seems to make people uncomfortable or lead into awkward conversations when I say what I do.
Wow, that is definitely another huge layer for potential enmeshment! It's like you left the family business! Extra kudos to you for navigating your way out; I love how you describe the ways you are still using and growing your skills and expertise.
And, gosh, I don't blame you for your evasion in those kinds of interactions! So many folks out there must cover or demur, and for so many different reasons!
OMG. ALL OF THIS. I had to pause midway through, to catch my breath and beat back a massive wave of anxiety.
Whew! What felt especially anxiety-provoking in this moment? I suspect you're not alone in feeling it.
I have a weird path into academia, and I was 36 with 3 children and a very supportive husband when I started it and it ended a month ago. All the ways you listed to be othered and “not good enough” from being too old, to being a woman, to being denigrated by male colleagues because I couldn’t possibly be any good….
The only way to survive grad school and tenure track was to be thoroughly enmeshed with the job.
I was hired at a campus about 4 hours from the main campus of the institution — which is currently undergoing fuckery similar to what you experienced. It’s an R1, but my campus is a PUI, so clearly none of us have the stature of main campus faculty. No startup money at all, but similar expectations for research and publications as faculty hired with $1m startup and grad assistants and labs and a research infrastructure and a reduced teaching load. I did it. I’m proud of it, but it’s never been good enough.
Why the anxiety? I started distancing myself from my job about 6 years ago. I’ve been retired for a month, after being given 2 weeks notice about my last day. I don’t know what I’ll say about who I am or what I do other than to say I’m retired. I taught biology. I have a PhD in neuroscience. I have publications and awards, but at the end of the day who cares? I’m still working to clean out my office and lab and throwing away 30 years of work that I used to enjoy doing. I guess I’ve gone from total enmeshment to free fall.
Oof. I was SO angry when I finally cleaned out my office, even though it was (thankfully) my own choice to leave, and even though my unpaid leave I was granted when I was making my way out had given me an extra year "to be sure." It's a good thing I went in on a summer Sunday or people would have heard me throwing things and cursing.
And I'm going to be thinking about "enmeshment as survival" all day now! Thank you for sharing your journey. I'm rooting for you and trusting what you'll find at the end of your free fall.
I wonder too if there is some seasonal anxiety with all of the "back to school" everywhere. I'm hearing too that you've answered part of the "who I am" question here: you're a spouse (no small feat when in academia) and a parent of three--also a big deal in a culture that doesn't seem to value parenting either. I hope that you find your "good enough" in retirement too.
Part of the reason I disengaged is because my husband died in home hospice 6 years ago and I had no fucks left for a stupid job and male colleagues who could not pick up the slack at work while I cared for my husband.
I’ve heard other retired academics talk about feeling like they need to get ready for classes every August. I’m not feeling it, which is great. Also, the university offered a one year salary to full time people who wanted to leave by June 28th and all of the student-facing support staff (think Registrar, Bursar, Financial Aid and Advising) took the deal. I cannot imagine what kind of shit storm is going to unfold when classes start in 3 weeks.
I also feel on the “outskirts” of academia, in that I don’t really see my job teaching at a community college as being a traditionally “academic” job. I am a teacher. I do not, however, feel on the outskirts at/in my workplace. When I am asked what I do, I say I teach sociology, because that is the most honest answer, (since the question is focused on what I do and not what my title is) which allows me to avoid any potential status contests.
I’m 💯 with you in ensuring our identity buckets are filled via multiple avenues! Yay for granny hobbies!